Almost two years ago... Dang.
I stopped writing because I didn't feel like being judged by how I truly felt, and what I had gone through. Now, I don't really mind saying how I feel, or hearing what other people have to say about how I feel.
The tough times...
Two years ago I was hurt. I was angry. And even depressed you could say. Because everything seemed to be falling apart, and for what reason I had no idea. I horrible "friendship" came to an abrupt end, leaving me feeling like I was worthless.
It seems so silly now, for me to feel the way I did back then. But that hurt was real, it was raw, and it was excruciating. This wasn't anything new for me, really. I had a thing for befriending less than ideal "friends". It just happened because I was TOO nice. I felt bad for this person, I had heard so much talk behind their back about how awful of a friend this person was, and countless terrible things. But why would I listen to gossip? It's probably true... But what kind of person would I be to judge someone I don't even know? I'll give them a chance...
It started out fine at first, the person was nice enough. Slightly frustrating at times, but who isn't?
Things were good, and they were easy to talk to. Eventually though, I let my guard down... and let my emotions take over... Bad move.
I had gotten too close for my own good against God's clear, and obvious warnings. I let this person use me... Physically (non-sexually) and emotionally. I took a beating, I let them hurt me and forgave them so many times without so much as a second thought. Why? I'm not really sure... Maybe because this person was SO good at playing the victim? Maybe because I listened to the deceiving words of the Enemy rather than to the One who was on my side...
I think one of the worst parts about it, is that nobody knew the depth of this "friendship". The person somehow made it sound okay that we should keep this under the radar and not let too many people know about our communications and relations just so that nobody gets the wrong idea. Stupid, right? Funny how in the moment you can't see how terrible something is that's right in front of you! So anyways, anytime this person would hurt me, I would keep it to myself. Maybe I would tell a friend every once in awhile about something, but not often, not very many details were given.
It went on for awhile...
With a few "good" (more like less painful) patches, and then some bad...
Etc.
Etc...
Etc.
A viscous cycle of an unhealthy "friendship".
Then, it ended. In the most cruel way possible.
"I don't have time for you anymore."
That's it. The end. Not a word more was said.
Oh, but how the silence stabbed my heart over and over again.
It's my fault.
I did something wrong.
I said something wrong.
I am wrong.
I am the fault.
This went on for a LONG time.
A few close friends, who I am eternally grateful for, stuck with me through my downfall.
I honestly felt that everything was my fault, and that this would happen with every guy.
Look at what I've done, wasted myself.
I am used now, who would want me?
My friends were relentless with their encouragement, letting me know it wasn't my fault, eventually things would turn out all right and I would be happy again, and most of all I was loved.
At the time I thought they were just saying all this to make me feel better.
You know what I mean, I'm sure.
But they were right.
Everything they said was true...
For a long time, until very recently, I blamed this other person.
It was THEIR fault for hurting me.
Sure, they did hurt me... BAD.
But I hurt my God.
I got so close to another human that I neglected my Savior.
The One who loves me more than I could ever imagine.
I lost touch with Him almost completely.
But the whole time He was there, calling out for me and reaching His hand out towards mine waiting for me to accept it.
I was just too absorbed with this worldly relationship to notice His efforts.
The "Happy Ending".
I finally let God get through to me! I could hear him again. I took His hand.I felt his presence, and longed for HIM once more! (Not a lousy "friendship" with just anyone.)
I gave up trying to pick and chose who to associate with (and how), and let God do that for me.
It's been SO hard. But it's been worth it.
I finally have forgiven not only this person I've mentioned, but also myself.
I'm choosing to let all the pain go.
It's done. FOREVER.
God knows just who/what I need and when/where I need it.
He is so good.
Today I am blessed with a few very close, amazing, wonderful friends.
These are people who love like Jesus does.
They are friends who cherish me.
They take me as I am, and they don't care what I've done or what I've been through.
They are truly sent from God Himself. Angels without wings. (It may sound cliche, but it is so true.)
I am also greatly blessed with a man who loves me dearly, and treats me as though I were a princess.
If he could, he would give me the world if I asked.
I love him just as much, and do my very best to treat him as well as he treats me.
Everything has changed for now; in the best way possible.
A new chapter has begun, it's a new year, and the future is looking bright.
No "New Year's resolutions" for me, I'm just thankful I am where I am.
Thanks to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
_______________
So if you actually read all this...
Thank you!
The conclusion to this whole (rambling) story:
Trust God. LISTEN to God. God is good.
-Alexandria M
